My Story – Not A Cool Kid

Growing up, I was always the quiet and lonely kid. During the early years of my childhood I have spent the most days alone in my room and I was happy about it. I never felt comfortable around other children or enjoyed playing with them. My parents thought this behavior was strange, but they didn’t question it.

This changed after primary school, because other kids had noticed that I enjoyed being on my own and started bullying me because of that. I’ve never been one of the cool kids, nor one of the pretty girls at school. The other kids at school called me names, pushed me around and simply hated me for who I am. Also, my parents had high expectation on my grades. Don’t get this wrong, my grades were always good (A’s & B’s) but they wanted me to be better. So, whenever I didn’t meet up with their expectations they shouted at me or started hitting me, mostly my mum did this or she forced my dad to do it.

Because of these reasons I started questioning every aspect of my life, while simultaneously developing a constant fear of being not good enough. During that time, I started self-harming, because I felt like I deserved it. Going to school was something didn’t enjoyed (even when I enjoyed learning) and going home was also not enjoyable during this time. I didn’t have someone to talk to, because being quiet, shy and having a hard time trusting people didn’t make it easier for me to find some friends.

At the age of 15 I was send to therapy for the first time, because my mum found out that I self harmed and she thought I would kill myself. That first therapy was kind of useless for me because I didn’t want to change. During the following years I attended therapy two more times, in between those I got diagnosed with BPD. Having a name for what’s “wrong“ in my head helped me a lot, I finally knew why I was the way I am. My first diagnose at the age of 15 was depression, but I never felt like it matched all aspects of how I felt and how I behaved.

But just at the age of 21 during my fourth therapy, I finally made improvements, because I desperately wanted to change and work on myself. And now at the age 23, I’m finally able to have small talk with people. I don’t self-harm anymore, I’m more at peace with myself. Most importantly I have learned to take care of myself on bad days. I still have bad days, studying can be stressful. In this context selfcare also means for me to take 4 exams and not 6. I tried taking 6, but at the end of my exam season I felt so numb, so I said to myself I do 4 exams next time, and everything went well.

Looking back, I sometimes feel sad, that I kind of wasted my childhood being sad and trapped in my mind, without any friends. But then I remember that I’m still young and that I really enjoy being on my own. And after I developed more trust in myself and learned to live with my mental illness, I started doing a lot of things on my own. Such as going on holidays, hiking, going to the cinema, visiting a museum and so on.

Thank you so much Not A Cool Kid for sharing your story!
If you want to share your story too on Candy Wasteland, send me a mail to candywasteland@gmail.com

Relationship with Borderline?

This is something I often read about and what is also a big part of the stigma. People with Borderline Disorders can’t have an happy relationship with an other person because of their mental health status. And that is complete bullshit!

A few years ago I’d say something similar because I experienced nothing else. I had such an sterotypical relationship, which was always explosiv because of my illness. But not just because of me, just make this point clear. But I’ll just write about my side because of the privacy of my ex-partner.

It’s the truth that relationships with Borderline patients aren’t always easy. But to be fair, it is not just our fault. We are also a prisoners of our illness, in some kind. People with Borderline tend to see things in a straight black-and-white-scene. In this minute everything is fine and the best time ever but this can completely change into rage and hating everything within minutes. So it is with our relationships too. We tend to fall in love quickly and then pretty intense. With these feelings also the fear of loss is coming. It’s pretty common that people with Borderline want to bound very closely. I’m not an exception. When I love someone then I do it with all my heart and in every situation. I’m one of those persons which have a huge fear of loss, the worst nightmare is for me loosing one of my beloved ones. Not just in a way of death, also break-ups and fights. And this is the part when it get’s complicated, because when I doesn’t want to loose anyone, there are just two ways of behavior.

Way 1: being the clingiest human ever. I want to spend all the time I have with this person. It’s the hardest part of separation, when one of the two of us have to leave. But I learned to handle strong emotions like these, through having a long-distance-relationship. We need to separate, because each of us have their life on a different place and we have liabilities there. Being realistic in situations like these helped me a lot. Because being clingy can also be your death (in a relationship), because in special constellations your partner can use this against you and isolate you from everyone else. Sure you have just the person you adore the most by your side, but it’s in no way a healthy relationship. (If you have the feeling of living in something like this – get the fck out there! Your disease is not an excuse for treating you bad or patronizing you. Keep this always in mind!)

And there is also Way 2: I separate myself from this person. I do like I wouldn’t care about it, so that I can’t get hurt. This also an unhealthy way of life, because it’s pretty lonely. You can’t always keep everyone away from yourself just to prevent not getting hurt. It’s okay to let go and having the risk of loss. Because when you are realistic, nothing is made forever. So aren’t we. So much can happen in a lifetime, it’s dumb to waste your life unhappy just because of the fear. I know this sounds hard and it’s a hard decision, but it helps so much to feel happier.

If you’d ask me three years ago about relationships with borderline people, I’d say that it’s difficult and hard. But now I totally changed my sight. I’m in a happy and motivational relationship for almost two years now and I never felt so confident. Sure there are always those fears in the back of my head, but our key to happiness is honesty and having open conversations about everything. When I have a break-down or even just a stressful period, I tell my partner about it and try to decribe him the motivations and the influences of my diseases. Also my partner is one of the most calm and understanding humans I know. He always cheer me up and goes through hard situations with me, even if it’s not easy for him. It’s never easy to handle an relationship with someone in-stable, but it’s worth the fight if it is the right person. Just be honest and share your problems, then you have someone to talk about it with. And always keep in mind that you aren’t alone and you are good the way you are.

How Do People Around Me Handle My Illnesses?

Your mental state is something, that should be just a matter to yourself. But the people around you will notice it too. This article is about how I handle the realtionships in my life and what reactions I get and got in the past.

For the most time of my life I thought that I should hide my metal disorders. Why? Because society and everyone around me told me to. But this was the biggest lie. I hate the fact so much, that mental health is still a topic under the hand. Just a few brave people talk open about it and sometimes even those get a horrible backlash. This is one of the reasons why I started this platform.

As I wrote in my recovery story I was always a very shy and quiet person. I didn’t talk a lot and at least about my feelings. This was also something I grew up with – „You have problems? Shut the fck about it and keep it to yourself!“ This was one the reasons why I haven’t reached out for help earlier.

I got bullied all the time in school from first grade up to the senior classes, until I opened up about it and redid the senior classes. This was the first step into the right direction, I got out of the toxic enviorment. I did this for myself and it felt good. After this experiences and a break-down in public I decided to talk again with my mum about my mental state. We had some conversations about it earlier, but she always thought that this matter was still a part of my grief coping. In some kind it was true because my depression was a product of the family loss, but there were other influences to this too. My mum and I had a pretty rough relationship at this time, I was withdrawn and thought she wouldn’t understand it. This was also the point, because she wanted to keep quiet about my mental disorders. Because she was scared about the public reaction and was worried about how I would handle this. It needed a lot of time to get to the point of understandment, when she realised how much I was hurt by this behaviour. This got on until I moved to Dortmund. She realised that I have more to struggle with than my change of location and handleing a long distance relationship. I was lost and called her every day crying. When I returned home she was the one who took me to our family doctor. I also have to say, that she got treatment for mental illness at this time too. This was the point when we got together because her understanding for my state had changed through her therapy. Since then my mum is one of my closest persons, I talk to her on a daily basis and she supports me in every possible way.

I also started talking open about my mental illnesses at the time in Dortmund. I wanted to start new, as the person I am. With all my good and bad sides and I got such an amazing feedback. People liked me for who I am, I started to be the person, which I always was on the inside. I went out, met up with friends, went to parties and had such a good time. This helped me so much to accept myself, because other people could do it too.

Even so I met my actual partner at this time. He liked me the way I was, with all my problems and weird sides. Just as a good friend at this time and after I broke up with my ex-partner I had him at my side. As the support I always needed, no matter what I was doing. He is also one of the biggest backings I have till this day. I’m going to write an seperate article about the realtionship between us and my Borderline disorder. But he showed me that it is okay to be ill and that was the start of being the way I am now.

I also have an empowering and understanding circle of friends, which are there for me whatever will happen. This also something I never had before. I was always the one who needed to beg for friendships, because I was so special and in some kind stressful with all my problems. So I was most of the time lost with some friends just on the public basis. We used to hang out until it got worse with my state, then they got me down. I can understand this behavior in a way today, because it’s not always easy to stand behind someone who is ill. It need a lot of strength and work to help someone and like someone the way he is. That’s why I lost some people on my way, but that’s okay. Because this made me to person I am today. Now I have friends who always are there for me, I can call them whenever I’m down and they are by my side, immediately.

I’ve also kept my attitude to let people think whatever they want. It is their thing and problem, not mine. I have enough struggles with myself and my life and can not care about what people think about me. I always get backlash for what I’m doing especially with being open about my mental illnesses. But that is okay, because the positive feedback I get is more important to me than anything else. That’s why I want to share it and give other people who struggle with similar problems the same power and encouragement. True friends will love you, no matter what.

Also there are coming some posts from relatives about how they experience the illness of their friends, family or partners.

My Medication Story

Medication is always a risky topic, but a lot of people rely on this little helpers. Involving me too.

I started taking meds in November 2016 and I had a pretty rough time accepting that I need them. As I wrote in the therapy-story I started with a light mood changer from my family doctor. I was also one of those people, who were striktly against any medications, because I have a long and bad past with painkillers and I refused to take anything which will change my feelings. This opinion have a lot of people, because it’s fucking scary – taking a pill, which change your feelings and works it’s way through your brain. And that is totally okay to feel that way.

It have to be an decision you want to make and you have to feel good with it, nobody else. At that time I was in a deep hole and just wanted to have some branches to help me climbing up again. So I started with the medication. The first pills were okay but after a few weeks they lost their effect because my mental state was so bad. It always takes time to figure out what is the right medication for you.

When I moved to Leipzig I immedialy looked up psychiatrists and found a wonderful fitting one. I had a good feeling with her and really liked the way of our communication. We started to figure out which is the biggest problem that I want to fix with the meds. Because of my multiple disorders I had to find out which needed to be treated the most.

I started testing out various supplements against my depression and insomnia. These were the most troubled issues I had. Without knowing the diagnose Borderline, I handled this illness pretty good. Maybe because of just think that this behaviour would be a part of my character or temper. I started taking Venlafaxin, an antidepressant which I’m still using every day. The familiarization was pretty hard, but my doctor warned me of this state. The first two weeks I felt horrible, I was dizzy and tired all the time, I had troubles with my circuit and felt sick most of the time. But that’s a total normal reaction, because you bring in a substance to your body and brain, that needs to be accepted from it. This needs time and after the two weeks I felt the effect. I had a motivation push half an hour after taking them. This helped me so much to get my lazy ass out of bed, also it calms down my over-sensibility. I’m still overreacting about senseless things, but not in this hysteric way like before. I’m really pleased with the effect of my medication.

But important to notice is, that medication is just one part of a good therapy. These pills are helpers that takes part in your bio-chemical business, but you need also a therapy in conversation with a psychotherapist to clear out the source of these Illnesses and the reasons for your behaviour.

I’m aware of this fact and I’m working towards a life without medication in the future. But in the moment I need them to make sure that I can handle my daily life.

(Sidefact: I’m also taking meds every night because of the insomnia I have for almost twenty years now. And I have a supplement for psychotic pushs at night, which I have also since my childhood.)

Today I’m still taking a daily dosis of Venlafaxin and Mirtazapin at night. In May I’m going to start taking a medication of my Borderline Disorder.

I’d love to present you more experiences with medication through other perspectives. So if you want to share your story (anonym is also legit), write me a mail!

My Therapy Story

After I told you my story in a shorter form I want to refer to the topic of therapy. Because I know from my own experience that this is something very difficult and hard. Any you often don’t get in detail informations about because it’s still something uncomfortable.

I made many experiences, bad ones, horrible ones but also good ones. And all of them helped me to find my way. When I first was diagnosed with Depression, I was 14. After the loss of my dad it was natural to fell in a hole of grief and loneliness. So went to a few voluntary psychotherapist. Here in Germany these are often bounded with church insitutions, city institutions or social facilities. You can find a list of offers for your town here. It was pretty okay, it was uncommitted and kind of anonym. Your health insurance doesn’t need to give their okay and you could end it everytime you want.

So I went there with my struggles and the first experience was horrible, I couldn’t bound with the psychotherapist and she always wanted me to seperate from my family. Which was the most important thing I had at this time.  As that didn’t stop I wanted to change the caregiver, so we changed the organisation. This was the best what we could do, because I got an very kind and open therapist, which really helped me. But over night she disappeared and canceled every appointment. This broke my heart and my trust in therapists.

I was so hurt, because it was such an overcoming to open yourself up to someone. So I refused every other attempt of an therapy. I felt down my hole, but wasn’t trong enough to make the decicion to get help on my own. So I stayed there and found shelter in an emotional instable relationship. I needed nobody else than my partner, which was a horrible fault. It was just the two of us against the world, but this wasn’t a healthy construct for myself. My Borderline went horrible ways but I did nothing.

Many years later, I realised that I need to change a lot because of my health status. As written in my recovery story, I started new. And this start was well needed. I went to my family doctor and she started to prescribe my medication. Just a simple antidepressant, but it was the first step in the right direction. I’m going to write a seperate article about medication in detail soon.

But my doctor also told me to find a psychotherapist, because medication is just an appliance and needs to be in combination with a therapy. This was almost three years ago and started the downward-spiral of therapy search. I’ve spent months of hopeless calls, it was a disaster. But I wanted to get help so bad, because I needed it. Then I finally found one, but it wasn’t the best match. It was a male, which was always a problem for me in therapist things. Also he offered me very strange solutions and advices. It wasn’t fitting for me and my goals for this therapy. After running aways from appointments and calls for a few months, I made the decision to cancel it. It was very hard for me but also a very kind decision I made for myself.

This started again the terrible search, which made it even harder because I discontinued the therapy on my own risk. The health insurance wasn’t very amused by that and wasn’t a big help at that time. I was broken down and at the end of my strength. This was last summer. I had horrible depressive phases and were just hiding at home, going fitful to classes at university and got pretty anti-social. I wanted to get out of this hole so bad, I did everything possible but nothing was successful.

One morning I stood in front of my roommate and best friend, crying like a baby and I was ready to pack my bag an go to the mental hospital. I saw no other way out, I was devastated. But luckily I had my psychatrist at my hand, I made an emergency appointment at hers. She gave me higher medications and we made the decision to go to the daily therapy at a mental hospital. It was a hard way, but I was ready to do it. Because I wanted to have a normal life without break-downs and not being able to leave the house. So I went to the day care in December. My experiences with that I’ll share in the next post with you.

But all in all here are some hard facts about the therapy:

• • talk open about your mental state with your family doctor
  • call your health insurance and ask for opportunities, they need to give you a list with psychotherapists in your city
  • also since April 2017 we have in Germany a law that assure you a first appointment with a psychotherapist through the KVB, you can find every information on their site
  • most important point: you need to be honest! for yourself and knowing that you can just get honest help with your aid

 

My Story – Sammy

Starting this story feature with my own personal story. I’m struggeling with Depression, Borderline and Anxiety since I was little.

 

I was always a shy kid who doesn’t want to communicate with others. I wanted to be by myself all the time and have my own personal space. My parents always thought that my quick mood changes and the social phobia was just a part of my nature. But now looking back these are definetly symptoms of BPD. Because of this behaviour I wasn’t pretty popular at school and got bullied all the way up to the senior classes. This took a big a part of my self-ensteem and pushed my anxiety to the limit.

When I was 14 years old my dad died in a car accident. This was the time my depression started and got pretty worse. I felt down a huge hole and isolated myself completely. At that time my borderline took over everything, I felt so lost and everything seemed hopeless. During that time I went to a few psychotherapist, but nothing really worked. Then I found a partner, who have been a huge part of my life for six years. But the relationship made my mental issues even worse. I felt insecure and unstable to be on my own.

Almost three years ago I made the best decision of my life – I made something important for myself. I took an internship in Dortmund, a city I’ve never been to in my absolute dream job. I moved to this town without knowing anyone, completely on my own. Because it was the best chance I’ve ever gotten and I made it. The first month was the hardest time, but I got along. I’ve been myself, I started as the person I am. I found friends and got independent. This experience gave me so much engery and I was for the first time ever proud of myself.

After this time I’ve knew I have to change a lot to feel better. Because I’m able to be on my own and I’m good the way I am. I broke up with my ex-partner and moved away from home after the six months in Dortmund. I came to Leipzig, another town – another new start. And this was the total start of the new me.

Now two years later, I’m still suffering from my diseases but I feel better. I surrounded myself with kind and empowering friends, I share a flat with my best friend, I have pets and a loving and supportive partner by my side.

Sure the last part sounds like a happy ending, but it isn’t. I’ve been struggeling more than ever in the last year. I have break-downs every week, my mood changes are hell and I was in a day clinic for two months. But I found my way to fight for a better life, even with all these struggles. Because I want to! I learned a lot about my mental health in this time and also I’ve learned that I’m not alone. Especially through my friends and the open communication about my state. Mental Health Issues aren’t a taboo in 2018. We need to talk about it, because nobody is alone with it. So I write open about my struggles on Instagram and became such an overwhelming postive feedback that I decided to spread awareness more by founding this platform. As a help for everyone, who wants to read it, share their story or their advices.

Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for more stories from other Mental Health Warriors!